It will be my pleasure, Bear. Thank you for the feedback.
Amdir's Lament
East wind, bitter East wind what cruel news will you bear When next you go a-weeping through Lorien so fair? For Amdir king, Lord Amdir shall no more wander there.
No more shall the elanor hear his regal tread. The nephredil and mallorn tree will mourn his fea now fled. The very stars seem vailed with woe, the moon is pale and riding low. Earendil, hope's fairest light, seems lost in Mordor's endless night For Amdir king, Lord Amdir now rests in Mandos' Halls
Anorlas, I like the connection with nature and Amdir. The flowers and trees, the stars and the moon, all lament. It feels like it leads to a longer ballad or saga of Earendil. I like the flow of the words too. Thanks for sharing this. Very much, Bear
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit Called or uncalled, God is present
Thank you for the critique Mouth of Sauron.....and I do have to admit that I agree with you. Amdir's Lament is not my best effort....the last few lines a bit awkward.
The first poem has a lovely rythm. The aliteration is pleasing and you really get a sense of visual satisfaction. The second I think is a great start to a much longer epic. I see that as more of a true Dunedain type effort. I agree the last is a bit ackward but I see a lot of potential here.
All in all, I hope you give us more. I can never read enough about ME and love original works of composition, especially good ones. ; )
Of Ereinion we sadly tell Who long ago in Mordor fell. Elf High-king the last to reign From Lindon to Eregion's plain.
In Beleriand his star arose Till it fell to Noldoran woes. Born of kings and king to be In Lindon by the Western Sea.
Standing on a hill afar His armor gleamed, a brilliant star. Gil-Galad he then was named With Aegols the great lance famed.
With Erendil of Numenor Gil-Galad alliance swore. To end at last dark Sauron's power And cast to ruin his evil tower.
Who now can count that bitter cost Of Man and Elf in sorrow lost. On Dagorlad they fought and died Man, Elf and Orch , side by side. Sharing there a common fate The testament to Sauron's hate.
But Gil-Galad, he wavered not. Nor Elendil as on they fought. Man and Elf did follow liege To Barad-dur at last to siege.
For seven years they incamped the tower Till Sauron came in battle glower. His might was great and death did bring For on his hand there sat, the Ring.
Gil-Galad, he seized the chance And charged Sauron with gleaming lance. But in this fight would not prevail Against this foe Aeglos did fail.
Elendil, he wrestled on Battling Melkor's evil spawn. Til Sauron's defenses wained And Narsil a bold stroke gained.
Sauron faultered with one last blow Hammering at his mortal foe. Elendil fell, Narsil broke Sundered by that fated stroke.
Isildur with valor grand Cut the Ring from Sauron's hand. Sauron then, his form unmade Fled the field, a firery shade. But in the heat, great woe betide Gil-Galad the Elf-king died.
Of GIl-Galad we sing lament Who long ago to Mandos went. The last to reign so fair and free Between the mountain and the sea.
Anorlas, Very nice. I can almost hear an elven minstrel, with harp, in a wooden hall, fire bright and warm, and your poem chanted, men and elves in a quiet shared fellowship. I look forward to more... Bear
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit Called or uncalled, God is present
That makes a very nice mental picture Bear. Maybe some day I will attempt to draw it with a copy of the poem written in the margins. Maybe a translation in Sindarin just for kicks?
If you would welcome some constructive criticism I could provide it for the last poem.
It lacked, in certain areas, the correct amount of syllables. For example I'll write in some corrections you may or may not think appropriate:
A Fallen Star
Of Ereinion we sadly tell Who long ago in Mordor fell. The Elven-king, the last to reign From Lindon to Eregion's plain.
In Beleriand his star arose O'er it fell to Noldor woes. Born of kings and king to be In Lindon by the Western Sea.
Standing on a hill afar His armour gleamed, a shining star. Fair Gil-Galad he then was named With Aeglos long, the great lance famed.
With Elendil Tall of Numenor Gil-Galad an alliance swore. To end at last dark Sauron's power And cast to ruin his evil tower.
Who now can count that bitter cost Of Man and Elf in sorrow lost. On Dagorlad they fought and died Man and Elf and Orc beside. Sharing there a common fate The testament to Sauron's hate.
But Gil-Galad, he wavered not. Nor Elendil as on they fought. Both Man and Elf did follow liege To Barad-dur at last to siege.
For seven years incamped the tower Till Sauron came in battle glower. His might was great and death did bring For on his hand there was the Ring.
Gil-Galad then, he seized the chance And charged Sauron with gleaming lance. But in this fight would not prevail Against this foe Aeglos would fail.
Elendil Great, he wrestled on With Mighty Melkor's evil spawn. Till Sauron's defenses then waned And Narsil bright, a bold stroke gained.
Sauron faultered with one last blow Hammering at his mortal foe. Elendil fell and Narsil broke Sundered by that fated stroke.
Isildur brave with valour grand Did cut the Ring from Sauron's hand. Sauron then, his form unmade Fled the field, a firery shade. But in the heat, great woe betide Gil-Galad fair, the Elf-king died.
Of Gil-Galad we sing lament Who long ago to Mandos went. The last to reign so fair and free Between the mountains and the sea.
Changed a few small details there, as I thought it gave the poem slightly more cohesion. Any thoughts?
You do me great honor Master Bilbo Baggins. I will keep your changes in mind. I hope to do a piece of artwork with the poem included. It may be that I will keep at least some your suggestions....if I may? In the second stanza you wrote "O'er it fell to Noldor woes." Might not "O'er" be "E'er"?
-- Edited by Anorlas on Tuesday 18th of August 2009 02:04:13 AM
-- Edited by Anorlas on Tuesday 18th of August 2009 01:01:21 PM
There are still one or two things I think you need to change, before you put it into an artwork piece. For example:
The Elven-king, the last to reign From Lindon to Eregion's plain.
In fact, that second line as a whole is a little awkward. Doesn't flow very well. Maybe something along the lines of:
The Elven-king, the last to reign, By Sauron's hand alone was slain.
Not great, but if you say both versions clearly and with speed you'll see the second has more flow.
Another verse worth altering is:
Sauron faultered with one last blow Hammering at his mortal foe. Elendil fell and Narsil broke Sundered by that fated stroke.
This one requires the reader to smooth over the bumps a bit. Perhaps:
The Dark Lord then with one last blow Threw down his mighty mortal foe. Elendil fell and Narsil broke 'Twas splintered by fated stroke.
Anyhow, definitely alot of potential, that poem.
As for o'er - it usually applies to the sea, but I believe it can be used in cases like this. The best word for the job is simply 'before' but the more Old English added, the better it makes poems like this sound. 'Ere' would work as well - but its only one syllable so would be out of place.
"From Lindon to fair Eregion's plain"...perhaps? Both versions are true at any rate. No, somehow "'Twas splintered by fated stroke"....seems not quite right either it doesn't roll off the tongue.
This is a lament so speed is not really looked for, I think.
Anorlas wrote:"From Lindon to fair Eregion's plain"...perhaps? Both versions are true at any rate. No, somehow "'Twas splintered by fated stroke"....seems not quite right either it doesn't roll off the tongue.
This is a lament so speed is not really looked for, I think.
You are correct. I made an error when making that line, what I meant was:
"The Dark Lord then with one last blow Threw down his mighty mortal foe. Elendil fell and Narsil broke 'Twas splintered by that fated stroke."
Sounds a bit better with the extra 'that'
As for Eregion - the problem is the word has too many syllables. To give you a comparison:
The Elven-king, the last to reign From Lindon to Eregion's plain.
Sounds very broken compared to:
The Elven-king, the last to reign From Lindon thence to Mordor's plain.
Perhaps thats better if you want to keep the bulk of the sentence intact? "Eregion" doesn't fit there, to me atleast.
I guess what I am trying to do is tell a story in some sort of chronological order. To say "By Sauron's hand alone was slain" is jumping to far ahead. Gil-Galad was the only and last Elf-king to reign from Lindon to Eregion. I think this is an important piece of the story and should be told as such. With some work it will all fit, I'm sure.
I think upon Beleriand now lost beneath the sea Sadly do I wonder how it could ever be.
How such a love as Melkor had could turn to blinding hate. And bring upon that fair green land This terrible fell fate.
Dagor Yrch (Battle of Orchs) Dagor-nuin-Giliath (Battle Under the Stars) Dagor Aglare (Battle Glorious) Dagor Bragollach (Battle of Sudden Flame) Nirnaeth Arnoediad (Unnumbered Tears)
Five battles there did Melkor wage as dark desire turned to rage. In Utumno he would scheme and plan How best destroy both Elf and Man.
As a god he was in power and might But in his heart there was no light. He sought to take what was not his own. To rule the Vision Eru's love had grown.
From this need to create and rule He fashioned creatures fell and cruel. Orch and dragon and Balrog dire Marked with Udun's accursed fire.
Though Man and Elf and Dwarven lord Stood valorious against Melkor's hord Each battle fought brought death, dispair To mortal and to Elf-kind fair.
But when at last all hope must fail Earendil would set sail To seek that long mist vailed shore. Would plead their plight in Valinor.
To his pleas, Valar took heed To harken well to Arda's need. No longer would they set by To let Eru's Children die.
One last battle would then be fought To end the woe that Melkor wrought. But, as in all thing there must be cost, Arda was changed, Beleriand lost.
Here I stand on Lindon's shore Remembering a land that is no more. I ponder how if at some cycle lain That fair Beleriand might rise again.
Anorlas, I love the simple rhyming couplets. Often poetry has a greater impact when read aloud. Your rhyming couplets and rhythmic verse create that classic pattern that goes all way back to the Greeks. I enjoy sharing what you have written with my family. I read it aloud and they are captured by it. This last piece,"The Five Battles of Beleriand", has provoked discussion of the Silmarillion and has my friends digging to find references from your poem. Thank you for your talent and your work. It is blessing others. Bear
-- Edited by Bear on Saturday 22nd of August 2009 02:28:36 AM
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit Called or uncalled, God is present
Thank you, Bear...and joy to your family and friends! What more can a poet or any artist ask then people share and find satisfaction of the pieces produced? Anorlas
I'll be the mighty oak, he said To stand strong upon the land. And I, thy heart wood be said she. And every season of thine life Will be a ring for me.
I'll be the crashing ocean, said he With waves so strong and wild. I shall be the shore, said she. And when your tide has run its course You will return to me.
I'll be the fierce-eyed eagle, said he. The sky my wild domain. And I, your eyrie be. Then when you tire of the sky You'll wing your way to me.
I'll be the salmon in the stream So silver quick I'll be. I'll be the hazel on the bank, said she. And all the wisdom that I bare I will impart to thee.
I'll be the sun in yonder sky, So bright, and hot, and strong. And I, the darkling West. And when at the day's long end you come In my sweet arms you'll rest.
Anorlas, I like your "RIVENDELL." It is simple with an easy rhythm and rhyme scheme. Yet it does convey much about its origin and purpose ... and its history too. Really nice. When you have time may I have some more please? Bear
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit Called or uncalled, God is present
